I see his picture displayed from the memorial service, in our living room, with invitations on the mail shelf. An odd place. Where else do you put such a program? Not framed, surely. Not in a box, as if to forget. So, on the mail shelf it remains. His birthday is next Thursday. That is a hard day to approach with so much tragedy in a short 12 months. It feels like an eternity since he went to be with our Jesus. Brooklyn met him not long ago. He passed so shortly before her first year was complete.
Tonight my memory is of our last visit with him. He was working here in Louisville at the music store (Henderson Music Co.) for dad. Brooklyn was being fussy, of course, and he was playing silly videos for her on his iPad as he bounced her on his knee. If only I had a picture. There is one in my mind and my heart is glad of it. We took him lunch from Bluegrass Burgers. I was so glad to see him. His smile always made my heart ache with a strange happiness that felt sad of the things past that he couldn't change, that no one could. This is not an easy paradox to break down, so I don't think I will try right now.
He's not the only one I am missing. I miss so much these days, yet I am somehow so grateful for my place in life. A husband whom I love with my whole being and a daughter that I could not fathom being without. This life of simplicity I am ever thankful for. My heart my break, but I am comforted in so many ways. God is faithful beyond my understanding, and often my recognition. Sometimes it is in ways so unbelievable that I can't recognize them for the fact that they are unseen. My depression may feel too heavy to bear, but He sees fit to see me through it in a way that broadens my incredibly finite understanding of Him. This God who has ordained everything under the sun. I cannot fathom His ways, His splendor or His glory that is yet to be seen. My heart cannot hold such joy, so He has blessed me with a dear family and the simple losses that come with this fallen life. Loss that is not forever. Loss of a dear brother whom I will see again, because these lives we live in the broken world cannot be restored this side of Heaven. So we wait for the glory to be revealed, for the tears to cease, for the sorrow to end. We wait. We do not lose hope, though we lose our friends, our loved ones, our brothers. We do not give up hope that Christ has defeated death. Death has died and Christ has lived for us to have life, everlasting. I can hope and my depression can be for a night, because His joy is with the morning. His mercies are new and my heart cannot help but receive them. Again and again, day in and day out. I unwittingly receive His graces and without them I would not be able to stand, I would not be able to move, to breathe, to do anything. He is my life, He is the reason I live, because apart from Him, I am dead.
Thank God I am ALIVE!
Psalm 34:17-19 (esv)
17 When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. 18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. 19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.
A song I can't get out of my head tonight is First Aid Kit's "Emmylou"
excerpt.
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"Now so much I know, that things just don't grow If you don't bless them with your patience. And I've been there before, I held up the door For every stranger with a promise. But I'm holding back, That's the strength that I lack, Every morning keeps returning at my window. And it brings me to you, And I won't just pass through, But I'm not asking for a storm."
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the last picture {of Brooklyn} that her uncle Chris made a silly comment on on FB
