2009 was a crazy year. Joel and I got married. Ok, so that was awesome. We moved in to our little apartment and carried on about our days. He worked his usual 9:30am-6:30pm and we had blissful evenings at home and some nights spent going out with friends. We fought, we loved, and we learned, a lot. The learning never ends. It felt like the weddings that year would never end either. We saw so many special friends get married, it was wonderful.
Our goals started coming together as the year went on. We decided to search for a house to buy so we could begin investing rather than renting. Oh my goodness, that was an interesting journey! "The Babe and Shirley" helped us out (our dear friends parents and our realtors). They were wonderful. We found the perfect little cape cod style home in the South end of Louisville (where we swore we weren't going to buy) and we love it. Of course, I am getting ahead of myself. It took us nearly 6 months to sign on it and get in! During that time, we found out we were going to have a baby. Of course, we were thrilled, but sort of jumped the gun. We told our families and close friends...and soon enough...everyone seemed to know. Just in time for us to find out that the baby wasn't going to make it. This seems so common, but yet, you don't hear many people speak of their experiences (which are often and many times multiple). I had never expected that. It was a shock indeed to Joel and me. We
were both saddened by the loss, but began to move on, finding strength in the days ahead, knowing that our hope is in Christ and He is for us, especially in times of loss when hope seems dim. As the months passed, I would have moments of heart wrenching grief at the memory of the loss. It is so hard to grasp and so difficult to explain. Many people seek to comfort us in this area, but it is so much deeper than mere words can mend. As each month passed, we thought, "surely we will be pregnant again soon" like some of our friends we knew who had experienced situations like this. But we were not. The months passed, and here we are, finding ourselves weeks away from what would have been our "due date." 9 long months. They have been wonderful months, filled with the busyness of moving and settling in, working and socializing, some stateside travel and visits with family. But the loss has not faded from our memories so quickly.
As do many people our age, our close friends started to become pregnant throughout the passing months. My heart fills with joy for my friends, yet is in conflict over our own loss. Emotions run so rampant in times of sorrow, gripping hold of our thoughts and tearing us away from truth and reality. My heart feels overwhelmed as the cycle of life continues on around me. At times my desire for a child is strong, while still my desire is to be a "single" married couple (as my mother-in-law calls it)...that is, one without children; to grow together and experience life in new ways as the months and years pass. If just for a while, to have some "alone time" with each other. But then our hearts reflect back, and our ever-present longing for a sweet baby remains. We could not make the decision for God by saying that the timing is "right" or "wrong" for us to start a family. Ultimately, we have been reminded who is in control of time, as well as the obvious factor that waiting or not waiting can not be defined as "right" or "wrong," as neither is a sin in itself. So we go on, longing and yet being conflicted within ourselves for these healthy, natural desires, not knowing presently which is best to long for. Like I said, neither is right or wrong, it is merely in God's hands (that is to say we do not use methods to restrict conception...but have not conceived).
Many people told me not to feel bad if I experienced feelings of jealousy or anger towards others who were finding out they were having babies, but, I didn't feel angry. It wasn't until the months began to pass and my body was not receiving a baby as we hoped, that my heart sank a little more. Even then I didn't feel "anger" towards women for being pregnant, or having babies. The miracle of life is far too great a thing to feel anger or hostility toward. It can do little more than bring glory to God who is so gracious to us and gives us such perfect gifts. I am thrilled for my friends (and women in general) that are carrying and having babies and wish nothing but good pregnancies and healthy babies for them! To assume that I would ever wish anything else would be far out of line and so disheartening. I would never dream of wishing this pain upon my friends, or any woman, and hope that my sorrow does not for a moment steal their joy. I am so sad to think that in my selfishness, I have done just that to some of my friends. I regret that I do not control my emotions better at times, and know that God is teaching me so much through this...even when I do not see it and am not submitting to Him. He is so gracious to us and so good in every situation. I read some of Job today. My suffering is nothing in comparison to what he experienced, not even remotely close. He was stripped of everything and still praised God for having saved his soul from complete separation from Him. He was stripped of all of his possessions, his entire family...every last one of his children...and he praised God. I could read it over and over and over and still have only the slightest idea of what that could possibly be like. To lose your whole life, and still find purpose in God's goodness...and not blame God for losses He allowed. The words of Job will never escape my mind and may never be fully grasped by it:
"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
and naked I will depart.
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised."
In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing. --Job 1:21&22
I can not say this verse rings true in my own sinful heart, but I can with confidence say that
though our simple, prideful hopes are scattered, our souls find hope in nothing but our Christ.
This concludes my first attempt at "blogging" my mess of thoughts.
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