I have loosely contemplated what to write over the last few days...just to write SOMETHING. Nothing was coming to me. After reading a friends blog, I was encouraged and reminded of the principles shown in the Bible in Matt. 6:25-34 and James 4: 14&15 (thanks for writing Jessica!) Being reminded of the reality of life's frailty and uncertainty helps me to reign in a lot of my thoughts and focus on today. It may not make today easier, but it lightens my heavy heart about both yesterday and tomorrow. Matthew 6:34 says it so perfectly that sufficient for the day is its own trouble. What a relief!! I need to see this more clearly and allow God to change my heart to keep my hope set on the present day, current circumstances and his grace in the midst of them. It is so obvious when I think about it...but for some reason I hardly ever remember it. Yesterday...or...the whole of my yesterdays, add up to bring some serious grief and very difficult sorrows, yes, as well as joy beyond what my imagination could have conjured! Even so, today is a new day, with new worries and new joys. Tomorrow is uncertain and brings so much fear to my heart and mind. I want to chose the middle, the day at hand. I want to recognize that God is in control of my tomorrow...and that Jesus died for the pain in my past. I want to see His grace and never stop remembering the hope of Jesus' death and resurrection...the hope of my tomorrow. All the while, allowing God to be my strength for today.
Today is a very hard day...maybe not much harder than any given day over the last 7 or 8 months, but hard nonetheless. We would be having a sweet baby today, but we aren't. God's ways are so much higher than ours...so high I cannot begin to grasp or even try to understand. I do not question Him. I hurt, and I long, but I know His plans are perfect. The emotions and thoughts and feelings from the loss are present, they may not change for a while, and I am ok with that, but I also know that I am not alone. So many women have been where I am right now...and so many men have experienced this loss alongside a woman as Joel has. It has been comforting to have friends I can turn to when I just can't understand. When all I can do is cry, I am grateful for those who will sit in the stillness and allow me to feel the sorrow. In the same way, I am grateful for words of hope and reminders or God's love and His strength in the midst of our weakness.
Joel was sweet to send me some encouragement from Psalms 73 this morning...the whole chapter was encouraging, but this pertains directly to what I am seeking of God today:
"Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:25&26
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
My hope is in Christ and my strength is from God...I am weak, but trust He is strong for me.
Today was our due date. I trust in the Lord with all my heart (please Lord, help me trust) and I want to lean on His understanding...because I do not understand. My hope does not fail, even though my heart is failing. God is my strength...please God, be my strength.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
Scattered Hopes, Hopeful Souls
2009 was a crazy year. Joel and I got married. Ok, so that was awesome. We moved in to our little apartment and carried on about our days. He worked his usual 9:30am-6:30pm and we had blissful evenings at home and some nights spent going out with friends. We fought, we loved, and we learned, a lot. The learning never ends. It felt like the weddings that year would never end either. We saw so many special friends get married, it was wonderful.
Our goals started coming together as the year went on. We decided to search for a house to buy so we could begin investing rather than renting. Oh my goodness, that was an interesting journey! "The Babe and Shirley" helped us out (our dear friends parents and our realtors). They were wonderful. We found the perfect little cape cod style home in the South end of Louisville (where we swore we weren't going to buy) and we love it. Of course, I am getting ahead of myself. It took us nearly 6 months to sign on it and get in! During that time, we found out we were going to have a baby. Of course, we were thrilled, but sort of jumped the gun. We told our families and close friends...and soon enough...everyone seemed to know. Just in time for us to find out that the baby wasn't going to make it. This seems so common, but yet, you don't hear many people speak of their experiences (which are often and many times multiple). I had never expected that. It was a shock indeed to Joel and me. We
were both saddened by the loss, but began to move on, finding strength in the days ahead, knowing that our hope is in Christ and He is for us, especially in times of loss when hope seems dim. As the months passed, I would have moments of heart wrenching grief at the memory of the loss. It is so hard to grasp and so difficult to explain. Many people seek to comfort us in this area, but it is so much deeper than mere words can mend. As each month passed, we thought, "surely we will be pregnant again soon" like some of our friends we knew who had experienced situations like this. But we were not. The months passed, and here we are, finding ourselves weeks away from what would have been our "due date." 9 long months. They have been wonderful months, filled with the busyness of moving and settling in, working and socializing, some stateside travel and visits with family. But the loss has not faded from our memories so quickly.
As do many people our age, our close friends started to become pregnant throughout the passing months. My heart fills with joy for my friends, yet is in conflict over our own loss. Emotions run so rampant in times of sorrow, gripping hold of our thoughts and tearing us away from truth and reality. My heart feels overwhelmed as the cycle of life continues on around me. At times my desire for a child is strong, while still my desire is to be a "single" married couple (as my mother-in-law calls it)...that is, one without children; to grow together and experience life in new ways as the months and years pass. If just for a while, to have some "alone time" with each other. But then our hearts reflect back, and our ever-present longing for a sweet baby remains. We could not make the decision for God by saying that the timing is "right" or "wrong" for us to start a family. Ultimately, we have been reminded who is in control of time, as well as the obvious factor that waiting or not waiting can not be defined as "right" or "wrong," as neither is a sin in itself. So we go on, longing and yet being conflicted within ourselves for these healthy, natural desires, not knowing presently which is best to long for. Like I said, neither is right or wrong, it is merely in God's hands (that is to say we do not use methods to restrict conception...but have not conceived).
Many people told me not to feel bad if I experienced feelings of jealousy or anger towards others who were finding out they were having babies, but, I didn't feel angry. It wasn't until the months began to pass and my body was not receiving a baby as we hoped, that my heart sank a little more. Even then I didn't feel "anger" towards women for being pregnant, or having babies. The miracle of life is far too great a thing to feel anger or hostility toward. It can do little more than bring glory to God who is so gracious to us and gives us such perfect gifts. I am thrilled for my friends (and women in general) that are carrying and having babies and wish nothing but good pregnancies and healthy babies for them! To assume that I would ever wish anything else would be far out of line and so disheartening. I would never dream of wishing this pain upon my friends, or any woman, and hope that my sorrow does not for a moment steal their joy. I am so sad to think that in my selfishness, I have done just that to some of my friends. I regret that I do not control my emotions better at times, and know that God is teaching me so much through this...even when I do not see it and am not submitting to Him. He is so gracious to us and so good in every situation. I read some of Job today. My suffering is nothing in comparison to what he experienced, not even remotely close. He was stripped of everything and still praised God for having saved his soul from complete separation from Him. He was stripped of all of his possessions, his entire family...every last one of his children...and he praised God. I could read it over and over and over and still have only the slightest idea of what that could possibly be like. To lose your whole life, and still find purpose in God's goodness...and not blame God for losses He allowed. The words of Job will never escape my mind and may never be fully grasped by it:
"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
and naked I will depart.
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised."
In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing. --Job 1:21&22
I can not say this verse rings true in my own sinful heart, but I can with confidence say that
though our simple, prideful hopes are scattered, our souls find hope in nothing but our Christ.
This concludes my first attempt at "blogging" my mess of thoughts.
Our goals started coming together as the year went on. We decided to search for a house to buy so we could begin investing rather than renting. Oh my goodness, that was an interesting journey! "The Babe and Shirley" helped us out (our dear friends parents and our realtors). They were wonderful. We found the perfect little cape cod style home in the South end of Louisville (where we swore we weren't going to buy) and we love it. Of course, I am getting ahead of myself. It took us nearly 6 months to sign on it and get in! During that time, we found out we were going to have a baby. Of course, we were thrilled, but sort of jumped the gun. We told our families and close friends...and soon enough...everyone seemed to know. Just in time for us to find out that the baby wasn't going to make it. This seems so common, but yet, you don't hear many people speak of their experiences (which are often and many times multiple). I had never expected that. It was a shock indeed to Joel and me. We
were both saddened by the loss, but began to move on, finding strength in the days ahead, knowing that our hope is in Christ and He is for us, especially in times of loss when hope seems dim. As the months passed, I would have moments of heart wrenching grief at the memory of the loss. It is so hard to grasp and so difficult to explain. Many people seek to comfort us in this area, but it is so much deeper than mere words can mend. As each month passed, we thought, "surely we will be pregnant again soon" like some of our friends we knew who had experienced situations like this. But we were not. The months passed, and here we are, finding ourselves weeks away from what would have been our "due date." 9 long months. They have been wonderful months, filled with the busyness of moving and settling in, working and socializing, some stateside travel and visits with family. But the loss has not faded from our memories so quickly.
As do many people our age, our close friends started to become pregnant throughout the passing months. My heart fills with joy for my friends, yet is in conflict over our own loss. Emotions run so rampant in times of sorrow, gripping hold of our thoughts and tearing us away from truth and reality. My heart feels overwhelmed as the cycle of life continues on around me. At times my desire for a child is strong, while still my desire is to be a "single" married couple (as my mother-in-law calls it)...that is, one without children; to grow together and experience life in new ways as the months and years pass. If just for a while, to have some "alone time" with each other. But then our hearts reflect back, and our ever-present longing for a sweet baby remains. We could not make the decision for God by saying that the timing is "right" or "wrong" for us to start a family. Ultimately, we have been reminded who is in control of time, as well as the obvious factor that waiting or not waiting can not be defined as "right" or "wrong," as neither is a sin in itself. So we go on, longing and yet being conflicted within ourselves for these healthy, natural desires, not knowing presently which is best to long for. Like I said, neither is right or wrong, it is merely in God's hands (that is to say we do not use methods to restrict conception...but have not conceived).
Many people told me not to feel bad if I experienced feelings of jealousy or anger towards others who were finding out they were having babies, but, I didn't feel angry. It wasn't until the months began to pass and my body was not receiving a baby as we hoped, that my heart sank a little more. Even then I didn't feel "anger" towards women for being pregnant, or having babies. The miracle of life is far too great a thing to feel anger or hostility toward. It can do little more than bring glory to God who is so gracious to us and gives us such perfect gifts. I am thrilled for my friends (and women in general) that are carrying and having babies and wish nothing but good pregnancies and healthy babies for them! To assume that I would ever wish anything else would be far out of line and so disheartening. I would never dream of wishing this pain upon my friends, or any woman, and hope that my sorrow does not for a moment steal their joy. I am so sad to think that in my selfishness, I have done just that to some of my friends. I regret that I do not control my emotions better at times, and know that God is teaching me so much through this...even when I do not see it and am not submitting to Him. He is so gracious to us and so good in every situation. I read some of Job today. My suffering is nothing in comparison to what he experienced, not even remotely close. He was stripped of everything and still praised God for having saved his soul from complete separation from Him. He was stripped of all of his possessions, his entire family...every last one of his children...and he praised God. I could read it over and over and over and still have only the slightest idea of what that could possibly be like. To lose your whole life, and still find purpose in God's goodness...and not blame God for losses He allowed. The words of Job will never escape my mind and may never be fully grasped by it:
"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
and naked I will depart.
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised."
In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing. --Job 1:21&22
I can not say this verse rings true in my own sinful heart, but I can with confidence say that
though our simple, prideful hopes are scattered, our souls find hope in nothing but our Christ.
This concludes my first attempt at "blogging" my mess of thoughts.
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