I have loosely contemplated what to write over the last few days...just to write SOMETHING. Nothing was coming to me. After reading a friends blog, I was encouraged and reminded of the principles shown in the Bible in Matt. 6:25-34 and James 4: 14&15 (thanks for writing Jessica!) Being reminded of the reality of life's frailty and uncertainty helps me to reign in a lot of my thoughts and focus on today. It may not make today easier, but it lightens my heavy heart about both yesterday and tomorrow. Matthew 6:34 says it so perfectly that sufficient for the day is its own trouble. What a relief!! I need to see this more clearly and allow God to change my heart to keep my hope set on the present day, current circumstances and his grace in the midst of them. It is so obvious when I think about it...but for some reason I hardly ever remember it. Yesterday...or...the whole of my yesterdays, add up to bring some serious grief and very difficult sorrows, yes, as well as joy beyond what my imagination could have conjured! Even so, today is a new day, with new worries and new joys. Tomorrow is uncertain and brings so much fear to my heart and mind. I want to chose the middle, the day at hand. I want to recognize that God is in control of my tomorrow...and that Jesus died for the pain in my past. I want to see His grace and never stop remembering the hope of Jesus' death and resurrection...the hope of my tomorrow. All the while, allowing God to be my strength for today.
Today is a very hard day...maybe not much harder than any given day over the last 7 or 8 months, but hard nonetheless. We would be having a sweet baby today, but we aren't. God's ways are so much higher than ours...so high I cannot begin to grasp or even try to understand. I do not question Him. I hurt, and I long, but I know His plans are perfect. The emotions and thoughts and feelings from the loss are present, they may not change for a while, and I am ok with that, but I also know that I am not alone. So many women have been where I am right now...and so many men have experienced this loss alongside a woman as Joel has. It has been comforting to have friends I can turn to when I just can't understand. When all I can do is cry, I am grateful for those who will sit in the stillness and allow me to feel the sorrow. In the same way, I am grateful for words of hope and reminders or God's love and His strength in the midst of our weakness.
Joel was sweet to send me some encouragement from Psalms 73 this morning...the whole chapter was encouraging, but this pertains directly to what I am seeking of God today:
"Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:25&26
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
My hope is in Christ and my strength is from God...I am weak, but trust He is strong for me.
Today was our due date. I trust in the Lord with all my heart (please Lord, help me trust) and I want to lean on His understanding...because I do not understand. My hope does not fail, even though my heart is failing. God is my strength...please God, be my strength.