Below is a little something a friend retumbled (if that's a thing?). Lovely thoughts.
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I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that - I don’t mind people being happy - but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying “write down 3 things that made you happy today before you go to sleep”, and “cheer up” and “happiness is our birthright” and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position - it’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say “Quick! Move on! Cheer up!” I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word “happiness” and to replace it with the word “wholeness”. Ask yourself “is this contributing to my wholeness?” and if you’re having a bad day, it is.
-Hugh Mackay
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Lord have mercy. Christ have mercy.
Troubles usually come in multiples. Good thing God's grace is even bigger than all of the troubles we face. I'm eternally grateful because apart from grace, I would be forever plagued in this troubled world. Lord have mercy. Christ have mercy.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Long-winded Articulations
I really don't want to forget moments that are so precious in life. Having a child drastically changes so many aspects of day-to-day living. It is so easy to get caught up in motions, schedules, routines. I love these things, but I don't want to miss moments in life that will be with me until I go home to Jesus. I want these things etched in my mind so if (and when) I lose another loved one, I can have these memories to cherish.
I didn't think I would need to worry about this at such a "young" age. I mean, 25 really is YOUNG! I don't always feel that way, but seriously...it is young! I still have friends getting married. That is the season I should be enjoying (that, and friends having children), right!? Not worrying about death and forgetting my dear ones who will go on before me. But, life brings tragedies that we cannot foresee and I am learning this again and again. It's overwhelming. 25 is not the time in life where you start losing your friends and peers to death...that is supposed to be when you are 70, 80, 90...
Sadly, cancer and disease, depression and sickness, these illnesses that we are so fearful of truly do wreak havoc on our innocent youth. They come in like thieves and steal the breath from our dearest ones. I don't mean to be so dark, but there is this hole in my heart and I am still working through the emptiness left behind.
This has become my place for writing my moments that are not so glamorous. The moments that aren't so easy to Instagram or Facebook. The gritty parts of my difficult days. Bouts of depression, but also streams of grace and overwhelming blessings. Those moments where I do not wish to reveal my heart to anything or anyone but paper, knowing that I truly desire an ear that is willing to hear. I have this knack for not talking these deep inner-workings of my twisty mind to the ones whom I know love me and want to help. Instead, I must get them down before they can be revealed. Articulation is somehow not my strong point. Although I am extremely gifted in long-windedness.
Back to where I started: I need to organize my life's memories that are in pictures and videos. There are many to treasure and they are rather scattered at the moment. ORGANIZATION! It is also not my strong suit.
Goodnight.
I didn't think I would need to worry about this at such a "young" age. I mean, 25 really is YOUNG! I don't always feel that way, but seriously...it is young! I still have friends getting married. That is the season I should be enjoying (that, and friends having children), right!? Not worrying about death and forgetting my dear ones who will go on before me. But, life brings tragedies that we cannot foresee and I am learning this again and again. It's overwhelming. 25 is not the time in life where you start losing your friends and peers to death...that is supposed to be when you are 70, 80, 90...
Sadly, cancer and disease, depression and sickness, these illnesses that we are so fearful of truly do wreak havoc on our innocent youth. They come in like thieves and steal the breath from our dearest ones. I don't mean to be so dark, but there is this hole in my heart and I am still working through the emptiness left behind.
This has become my place for writing my moments that are not so glamorous. The moments that aren't so easy to Instagram or Facebook. The gritty parts of my difficult days. Bouts of depression, but also streams of grace and overwhelming blessings. Those moments where I do not wish to reveal my heart to anything or anyone but paper, knowing that I truly desire an ear that is willing to hear. I have this knack for not talking these deep inner-workings of my twisty mind to the ones whom I know love me and want to help. Instead, I must get them down before they can be revealed. Articulation is somehow not my strong point. Although I am extremely gifted in long-windedness.
Back to where I started: I need to organize my life's memories that are in pictures and videos. There are many to treasure and they are rather scattered at the moment. ORGANIZATION! It is also not my strong suit.
Goodnight.
Friday, July 6, 2012
birthdays.
Tonight I grieve. I reflect and my heart is heavy. Heavy with sadness and joy intertwined. They mingle in my mind. Waves of anguish cloud my eyes with painful tears as the next flood, bittersweet sorrow comes rushing in. These memories are so final I can hardly take a breath for the pain that my next will be void of any new memories made with him.
I see his picture displayed from the memorial service, in our living room, with invitations on the mail shelf. An odd place. Where else do you put such a program? Not framed, surely. Not in a box, as if to forget. So, on the mail shelf it remains. His birthday is next Thursday. That is a hard day to approach with so much tragedy in a short 12 months. It feels like an eternity since he went to be with our Jesus. Brooklyn met him not long ago. He passed so shortly before her first year was complete.
Tonight my memory is of our last visit with him. He was working here in Louisville at the music store (Henderson Music Co.) for dad. Brooklyn was being fussy, of course, and he was playing silly videos for her on his iPad as he bounced her on his knee. If only I had a picture. There is one in my mind and my heart is glad of it. We took him lunch from Bluegrass Burgers. I was so glad to see him. His smile always made my heart ache with a strange happiness that felt sad of the things past that he couldn't change, that no one could. This is not an easy paradox to break down, so I don't think I will try right now.
He's not the only one I am missing. I miss so much these days, yet I am somehow so grateful for my place in life. A husband whom I love with my whole being and a daughter that I could not fathom being without. This life of simplicity I am ever thankful for. My heart my break, but I am comforted in so many ways. God is faithful beyond my understanding, and often my recognition. Sometimes it is in ways so unbelievable that I can't recognize them for the fact that they are unseen. My depression may feel too heavy to bear, but He sees fit to see me through it in a way that broadens my incredibly finite understanding of Him. This God who has ordained everything under the sun. I cannot fathom His ways, His splendor or His glory that is yet to be seen. My heart cannot hold such joy, so He has blessed me with a dear family and the simple losses that come with this fallen life. Loss that is not forever. Loss of a dear brother whom I will see again, because these lives we live in the broken world cannot be restored this side of Heaven. So we wait for the glory to be revealed, for the tears to cease, for the sorrow to end. We wait. We do not lose hope, though we lose our friends, our loved ones, our brothers. We do not give up hope that Christ has defeated death. Death has died and Christ has lived for us to have life, everlasting. I can hope and my depression can be for a night, because His joy is with the morning. His mercies are new and my heart cannot help but receive them. Again and again, day in and day out. I unwittingly receive His graces and without them I would not be able to stand, I would not be able to move, to breathe, to do anything. He is my life, He is the reason I live, because apart from Him, I am dead.
Thank God I am ALIVE!
Psalm 34:17-19 (esv)
17 When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. 18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. 19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.
A song I can't get out of my head tonight is First Aid Kit's "Emmylou"
excerpt.
----
"Now so much I know, that things just don't grow If you don't bless them with your patience. And I've been there before, I held up the door For every stranger with a promise. But I'm holding back, That's the strength that I lack, Every morning keeps returning at my window. And it brings me to you, And I won't just pass through, But I'm not asking for a storm."
----
the last picture {of Brooklyn} that her uncle Chris made a silly comment on on FB
I see his picture displayed from the memorial service, in our living room, with invitations on the mail shelf. An odd place. Where else do you put such a program? Not framed, surely. Not in a box, as if to forget. So, on the mail shelf it remains. His birthday is next Thursday. That is a hard day to approach with so much tragedy in a short 12 months. It feels like an eternity since he went to be with our Jesus. Brooklyn met him not long ago. He passed so shortly before her first year was complete.
Tonight my memory is of our last visit with him. He was working here in Louisville at the music store (Henderson Music Co.) for dad. Brooklyn was being fussy, of course, and he was playing silly videos for her on his iPad as he bounced her on his knee. If only I had a picture. There is one in my mind and my heart is glad of it. We took him lunch from Bluegrass Burgers. I was so glad to see him. His smile always made my heart ache with a strange happiness that felt sad of the things past that he couldn't change, that no one could. This is not an easy paradox to break down, so I don't think I will try right now.
He's not the only one I am missing. I miss so much these days, yet I am somehow so grateful for my place in life. A husband whom I love with my whole being and a daughter that I could not fathom being without. This life of simplicity I am ever thankful for. My heart my break, but I am comforted in so many ways. God is faithful beyond my understanding, and often my recognition. Sometimes it is in ways so unbelievable that I can't recognize them for the fact that they are unseen. My depression may feel too heavy to bear, but He sees fit to see me through it in a way that broadens my incredibly finite understanding of Him. This God who has ordained everything under the sun. I cannot fathom His ways, His splendor or His glory that is yet to be seen. My heart cannot hold such joy, so He has blessed me with a dear family and the simple losses that come with this fallen life. Loss that is not forever. Loss of a dear brother whom I will see again, because these lives we live in the broken world cannot be restored this side of Heaven. So we wait for the glory to be revealed, for the tears to cease, for the sorrow to end. We wait. We do not lose hope, though we lose our friends, our loved ones, our brothers. We do not give up hope that Christ has defeated death. Death has died and Christ has lived for us to have life, everlasting. I can hope and my depression can be for a night, because His joy is with the morning. His mercies are new and my heart cannot help but receive them. Again and again, day in and day out. I unwittingly receive His graces and without them I would not be able to stand, I would not be able to move, to breathe, to do anything. He is my life, He is the reason I live, because apart from Him, I am dead.
Thank God I am ALIVE!
Psalm 34:17-19 (esv)
17 When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. 18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. 19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.
A song I can't get out of my head tonight is First Aid Kit's "Emmylou"
excerpt.
----
"Now so much I know, that things just don't grow If you don't bless them with your patience. And I've been there before, I held up the door For every stranger with a promise. But I'm holding back, That's the strength that I lack, Every morning keeps returning at my window. And it brings me to you, And I won't just pass through, But I'm not asking for a storm."
----
the last picture {of Brooklyn} that her uncle Chris made a silly comment on on FB
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