Below is a little something a friend retumbled (if that's a thing?). Lovely thoughts.
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I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that - I don’t mind people being happy - but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying “write down 3 things that made you happy today before you go to sleep”, and “cheer up” and “happiness is our birthright” and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position - it’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say “Quick! Move on! Cheer up!” I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word “happiness” and to replace it with the word “wholeness”. Ask yourself “is this contributing to my wholeness?” and if you’re having a bad day, it is.
-Hugh Mackay
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Lord have mercy. Christ have mercy.
Troubles usually come in multiples. Good thing God's grace is even bigger than all of the troubles we face. I'm eternally grateful because apart from grace, I would be forever plagued in this troubled world. Lord have mercy. Christ have mercy.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Long-winded Articulations
I really don't want to forget moments that are so precious in life. Having a child drastically changes so many aspects of day-to-day living. It is so easy to get caught up in motions, schedules, routines. I love these things, but I don't want to miss moments in life that will be with me until I go home to Jesus. I want these things etched in my mind so if (and when) I lose another loved one, I can have these memories to cherish.
I didn't think I would need to worry about this at such a "young" age. I mean, 25 really is YOUNG! I don't always feel that way, but seriously...it is young! I still have friends getting married. That is the season I should be enjoying (that, and friends having children), right!? Not worrying about death and forgetting my dear ones who will go on before me. But, life brings tragedies that we cannot foresee and I am learning this again and again. It's overwhelming. 25 is not the time in life where you start losing your friends and peers to death...that is supposed to be when you are 70, 80, 90...
Sadly, cancer and disease, depression and sickness, these illnesses that we are so fearful of truly do wreak havoc on our innocent youth. They come in like thieves and steal the breath from our dearest ones. I don't mean to be so dark, but there is this hole in my heart and I am still working through the emptiness left behind.
This has become my place for writing my moments that are not so glamorous. The moments that aren't so easy to Instagram or Facebook. The gritty parts of my difficult days. Bouts of depression, but also streams of grace and overwhelming blessings. Those moments where I do not wish to reveal my heart to anything or anyone but paper, knowing that I truly desire an ear that is willing to hear. I have this knack for not talking these deep inner-workings of my twisty mind to the ones whom I know love me and want to help. Instead, I must get them down before they can be revealed. Articulation is somehow not my strong point. Although I am extremely gifted in long-windedness.
Back to where I started: I need to organize my life's memories that are in pictures and videos. There are many to treasure and they are rather scattered at the moment. ORGANIZATION! It is also not my strong suit.
Goodnight.
I didn't think I would need to worry about this at such a "young" age. I mean, 25 really is YOUNG! I don't always feel that way, but seriously...it is young! I still have friends getting married. That is the season I should be enjoying (that, and friends having children), right!? Not worrying about death and forgetting my dear ones who will go on before me. But, life brings tragedies that we cannot foresee and I am learning this again and again. It's overwhelming. 25 is not the time in life where you start losing your friends and peers to death...that is supposed to be when you are 70, 80, 90...
Sadly, cancer and disease, depression and sickness, these illnesses that we are so fearful of truly do wreak havoc on our innocent youth. They come in like thieves and steal the breath from our dearest ones. I don't mean to be so dark, but there is this hole in my heart and I am still working through the emptiness left behind.
This has become my place for writing my moments that are not so glamorous. The moments that aren't so easy to Instagram or Facebook. The gritty parts of my difficult days. Bouts of depression, but also streams of grace and overwhelming blessings. Those moments where I do not wish to reveal my heart to anything or anyone but paper, knowing that I truly desire an ear that is willing to hear. I have this knack for not talking these deep inner-workings of my twisty mind to the ones whom I know love me and want to help. Instead, I must get them down before they can be revealed. Articulation is somehow not my strong point. Although I am extremely gifted in long-windedness.
Back to where I started: I need to organize my life's memories that are in pictures and videos. There are many to treasure and they are rather scattered at the moment. ORGANIZATION! It is also not my strong suit.
Goodnight.
Friday, July 6, 2012
birthdays.
Tonight I grieve. I reflect and my heart is heavy. Heavy with sadness and joy intertwined. They mingle in my mind. Waves of anguish cloud my eyes with painful tears as the next flood, bittersweet sorrow comes rushing in. These memories are so final I can hardly take a breath for the pain that my next will be void of any new memories made with him.
I see his picture displayed from the memorial service, in our living room, with invitations on the mail shelf. An odd place. Where else do you put such a program? Not framed, surely. Not in a box, as if to forget. So, on the mail shelf it remains. His birthday is next Thursday. That is a hard day to approach with so much tragedy in a short 12 months. It feels like an eternity since he went to be with our Jesus. Brooklyn met him not long ago. He passed so shortly before her first year was complete.
Tonight my memory is of our last visit with him. He was working here in Louisville at the music store (Henderson Music Co.) for dad. Brooklyn was being fussy, of course, and he was playing silly videos for her on his iPad as he bounced her on his knee. If only I had a picture. There is one in my mind and my heart is glad of it. We took him lunch from Bluegrass Burgers. I was so glad to see him. His smile always made my heart ache with a strange happiness that felt sad of the things past that he couldn't change, that no one could. This is not an easy paradox to break down, so I don't think I will try right now.
He's not the only one I am missing. I miss so much these days, yet I am somehow so grateful for my place in life. A husband whom I love with my whole being and a daughter that I could not fathom being without. This life of simplicity I am ever thankful for. My heart my break, but I am comforted in so many ways. God is faithful beyond my understanding, and often my recognition. Sometimes it is in ways so unbelievable that I can't recognize them for the fact that they are unseen. My depression may feel too heavy to bear, but He sees fit to see me through it in a way that broadens my incredibly finite understanding of Him. This God who has ordained everything under the sun. I cannot fathom His ways, His splendor or His glory that is yet to be seen. My heart cannot hold such joy, so He has blessed me with a dear family and the simple losses that come with this fallen life. Loss that is not forever. Loss of a dear brother whom I will see again, because these lives we live in the broken world cannot be restored this side of Heaven. So we wait for the glory to be revealed, for the tears to cease, for the sorrow to end. We wait. We do not lose hope, though we lose our friends, our loved ones, our brothers. We do not give up hope that Christ has defeated death. Death has died and Christ has lived for us to have life, everlasting. I can hope and my depression can be for a night, because His joy is with the morning. His mercies are new and my heart cannot help but receive them. Again and again, day in and day out. I unwittingly receive His graces and without them I would not be able to stand, I would not be able to move, to breathe, to do anything. He is my life, He is the reason I live, because apart from Him, I am dead.
Thank God I am ALIVE!
Psalm 34:17-19 (esv)
17 When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. 18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. 19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.
A song I can't get out of my head tonight is First Aid Kit's "Emmylou"
excerpt.
----
"Now so much I know, that things just don't grow If you don't bless them with your patience. And I've been there before, I held up the door For every stranger with a promise. But I'm holding back, That's the strength that I lack, Every morning keeps returning at my window. And it brings me to you, And I won't just pass through, But I'm not asking for a storm."
----
the last picture {of Brooklyn} that her uncle Chris made a silly comment on on FB
I see his picture displayed from the memorial service, in our living room, with invitations on the mail shelf. An odd place. Where else do you put such a program? Not framed, surely. Not in a box, as if to forget. So, on the mail shelf it remains. His birthday is next Thursday. That is a hard day to approach with so much tragedy in a short 12 months. It feels like an eternity since he went to be with our Jesus. Brooklyn met him not long ago. He passed so shortly before her first year was complete.
Tonight my memory is of our last visit with him. He was working here in Louisville at the music store (Henderson Music Co.) for dad. Brooklyn was being fussy, of course, and he was playing silly videos for her on his iPad as he bounced her on his knee. If only I had a picture. There is one in my mind and my heart is glad of it. We took him lunch from Bluegrass Burgers. I was so glad to see him. His smile always made my heart ache with a strange happiness that felt sad of the things past that he couldn't change, that no one could. This is not an easy paradox to break down, so I don't think I will try right now.
He's not the only one I am missing. I miss so much these days, yet I am somehow so grateful for my place in life. A husband whom I love with my whole being and a daughter that I could not fathom being without. This life of simplicity I am ever thankful for. My heart my break, but I am comforted in so many ways. God is faithful beyond my understanding, and often my recognition. Sometimes it is in ways so unbelievable that I can't recognize them for the fact that they are unseen. My depression may feel too heavy to bear, but He sees fit to see me through it in a way that broadens my incredibly finite understanding of Him. This God who has ordained everything under the sun. I cannot fathom His ways, His splendor or His glory that is yet to be seen. My heart cannot hold such joy, so He has blessed me with a dear family and the simple losses that come with this fallen life. Loss that is not forever. Loss of a dear brother whom I will see again, because these lives we live in the broken world cannot be restored this side of Heaven. So we wait for the glory to be revealed, for the tears to cease, for the sorrow to end. We wait. We do not lose hope, though we lose our friends, our loved ones, our brothers. We do not give up hope that Christ has defeated death. Death has died and Christ has lived for us to have life, everlasting. I can hope and my depression can be for a night, because His joy is with the morning. His mercies are new and my heart cannot help but receive them. Again and again, day in and day out. I unwittingly receive His graces and without them I would not be able to stand, I would not be able to move, to breathe, to do anything. He is my life, He is the reason I live, because apart from Him, I am dead.
Thank God I am ALIVE!
Psalm 34:17-19 (esv)
17 When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. 18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. 19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.
A song I can't get out of my head tonight is First Aid Kit's "Emmylou"
excerpt.
----
"Now so much I know, that things just don't grow If you don't bless them with your patience. And I've been there before, I held up the door For every stranger with a promise. But I'm holding back, That's the strength that I lack, Every morning keeps returning at my window. And it brings me to you, And I won't just pass through, But I'm not asking for a storm."
----
the last picture {of Brooklyn} that her uncle Chris made a silly comment on on FB
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
A euology. For my beloved brother.
These are my thoughts that were shared at the funeral of my dear brother. I couldn't thank my husband enough for being strong for me and reading them, when I was not able.
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To say my heart "aches" at the thought of not seeing you again, is not enough. My whole being aches. I always looked forward to trips home to visit family when I knew I would have the privilege of seeing you, hugging you and laughing with you. It wasn't all jokes and laughter though, it was your deep passion and love for so many things. Your passion for music was infectious, no one can deny that. I wouldn't love music the way I do today if you hadn't introduced me to those hits of the 90's, and I am eternally grateful for the memories those songs bring. I can see your room set up with all your posters of Pearl Jam, Green Day, the UK Basketball team, your dream cars; These things make me smile. I remember being in awe of your collection of funny road signs and the Taco Bell and Pizza Hut rugs that were proudly displayed in your room. I always loved sneaking in there to just get to know who you were when I was just a child and you were in high school. I longed to know you and looked up to you for so many things.
I didn't know you as well as some, and wish I could change that, but what I do know is you loved and were loved. You loved people so well.
I take comfort in knowing that you can finally experience the fullness of that love you so longed for. I can only imagine and I look forward to the day I can see that love in its fullness with you; with no more tears, no more sorrow, no more strife. I long for that day and I am so glad you are free to see Christ's forgiveness laid before you at the throne of Jesus.
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You will be missed, until we meet again.
Chris Allen Henderson
I need not say "rest in peace" because I have no doubt your soul has found a rest, a peace and a freedom unimaginable.
http://m.legacy.com/obituaries/nky/obituary.aspx?n=chris-allen-henderson&pid=156143451
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To say my heart "aches" at the thought of not seeing you again, is not enough. My whole being aches. I always looked forward to trips home to visit family when I knew I would have the privilege of seeing you, hugging you and laughing with you. It wasn't all jokes and laughter though, it was your deep passion and love for so many things. Your passion for music was infectious, no one can deny that. I wouldn't love music the way I do today if you hadn't introduced me to those hits of the 90's, and I am eternally grateful for the memories those songs bring. I can see your room set up with all your posters of Pearl Jam, Green Day, the UK Basketball team, your dream cars; These things make me smile. I remember being in awe of your collection of funny road signs and the Taco Bell and Pizza Hut rugs that were proudly displayed in your room. I always loved sneaking in there to just get to know who you were when I was just a child and you were in high school. I longed to know you and looked up to you for so many things.
I didn't know you as well as some, and wish I could change that, but what I do know is you loved and were loved. You loved people so well.
I take comfort in knowing that you can finally experience the fullness of that love you so longed for. I can only imagine and I look forward to the day I can see that love in its fullness with you; with no more tears, no more sorrow, no more strife. I long for that day and I am so glad you are free to see Christ's forgiveness laid before you at the throne of Jesus.
-------------
You will be missed, until we meet again.
Chris Allen Henderson
I need not say "rest in peace" because I have no doubt your soul has found a rest, a peace and a freedom unimaginable.
http://m.legacy.com/obituaries/nky/obituary.aspx?n=chris-allen-henderson&pid=156143451
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Praise God, from whom ALL blessings flow!
Today we celebrated with family and friends the anticipated arrival of our daughter, Brooklyn Olivia. She is due to arrive around March 24th, 2011. Just 52 days from now, if my memory serves me well (which it does, on occasion). The blessings that we were showered with were many: gifts of all kinds, from a baby swing, breast pump, and swaddling cloths, to blankets (so many handmade treasures!!), toys, wraps and bath time goodies! This child is well taken care of already...and we are overwhelmed with thanks! But even more so, we were blessed with the encouragement of friends who we know have supported us through prayer in the two years we have been married. Through the loss of our first pregnancy, to the struggle to become pregnant again, these women and their families prayed for us and encouraged us in so many ways. Meredith led a time of discussion exhorting me in my walk with Lord and the many things I have to thank God for; How He saved me by His graciousness through Christ, how He redeemed my life from Hell, and how He has carried me through trials I would never have survived without His grace present in my life. I was overwhelmed during the shower with the love that I was shown through these ladies - when they prayed for me and the baby, and Joel, I was in tears...tears of joy, from how much they care for us. God has been so good to us and I have no idea how to grasp that goodness. I see it and I know it (to an extent)...but it is beyond my comprehension. I don't even know what to do with the blessing of a child after the loss of one. I look back and see how God has used the loss to strengthen Joel and me in more ways than I know possible...and I know He is not done with us. Praise Him for that! I have had more sorrow and more joy in the past two years than I may have ever experienced prior. God continues through the joy and difficulty of carrying a child, to grow and strengthen us in our marriage and our pursuit of a church family. He helped lead us to the decision to attend Sojourn Community Church and graciously blessed us with FRIENDS locally and within the Church (that was a huge answer to our unspoken prayers...) who love the Lord and spur us to love Him, others and each other more. All that I have to look back on gives me hope to look ahead, but even more, it gives me hope to endure each day knowing that God is sovereign over each moment, and He is faithful to sustain us through our joys and our sorrows. My hope and prayer for the next 7ish weeks is to ready my heart to receive a child, to steady my nerves about delivering her into the world, and to focus more on my loving husband when I feel so constantly focused on my own situation of pain or discomfort and anxiousness! With that said, I will leave this post with a piece of Paul's letter to the Philippians (4:4-9)
Final Exhortations
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
Final Exhortations
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
In our weakness, He is strong
I have loosely contemplated what to write over the last few days...just to write SOMETHING. Nothing was coming to me. After reading a friends blog, I was encouraged and reminded of the principles shown in the Bible in Matt. 6:25-34 and James 4: 14&15 (thanks for writing Jessica!) Being reminded of the reality of life's frailty and uncertainty helps me to reign in a lot of my thoughts and focus on today. It may not make today easier, but it lightens my heavy heart about both yesterday and tomorrow. Matthew 6:34 says it so perfectly that sufficient for the day is its own trouble. What a relief!! I need to see this more clearly and allow God to change my heart to keep my hope set on the present day, current circumstances and his grace in the midst of them. It is so obvious when I think about it...but for some reason I hardly ever remember it. Yesterday...or...the whole of my yesterdays, add up to bring some serious grief and very difficult sorrows, yes, as well as joy beyond what my imagination could have conjured! Even so, today is a new day, with new worries and new joys. Tomorrow is uncertain and brings so much fear to my heart and mind. I want to chose the middle, the day at hand. I want to recognize that God is in control of my tomorrow...and that Jesus died for the pain in my past. I want to see His grace and never stop remembering the hope of Jesus' death and resurrection...the hope of my tomorrow. All the while, allowing God to be my strength for today.
Today is a very hard day...maybe not much harder than any given day over the last 7 or 8 months, but hard nonetheless. We would be having a sweet baby today, but we aren't. God's ways are so much higher than ours...so high I cannot begin to grasp or even try to understand. I do not question Him. I hurt, and I long, but I know His plans are perfect. The emotions and thoughts and feelings from the loss are present, they may not change for a while, and I am ok with that, but I also know that I am not alone. So many women have been where I am right now...and so many men have experienced this loss alongside a woman as Joel has. It has been comforting to have friends I can turn to when I just can't understand. When all I can do is cry, I am grateful for those who will sit in the stillness and allow me to feel the sorrow. In the same way, I am grateful for words of hope and reminders or God's love and His strength in the midst of our weakness.
Joel was sweet to send me some encouragement from Psalms 73 this morning...the whole chapter was encouraging, but this pertains directly to what I am seeking of God today:
"Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:25&26
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
My hope is in Christ and my strength is from God...I am weak, but trust He is strong for me.
Today was our due date. I trust in the Lord with all my heart (please Lord, help me trust) and I want to lean on His understanding...because I do not understand. My hope does not fail, even though my heart is failing. God is my strength...please God, be my strength.
Today is a very hard day...maybe not much harder than any given day over the last 7 or 8 months, but hard nonetheless. We would be having a sweet baby today, but we aren't. God's ways are so much higher than ours...so high I cannot begin to grasp or even try to understand. I do not question Him. I hurt, and I long, but I know His plans are perfect. The emotions and thoughts and feelings from the loss are present, they may not change for a while, and I am ok with that, but I also know that I am not alone. So many women have been where I am right now...and so many men have experienced this loss alongside a woman as Joel has. It has been comforting to have friends I can turn to when I just can't understand. When all I can do is cry, I am grateful for those who will sit in the stillness and allow me to feel the sorrow. In the same way, I am grateful for words of hope and reminders or God's love and His strength in the midst of our weakness.
Joel was sweet to send me some encouragement from Psalms 73 this morning...the whole chapter was encouraging, but this pertains directly to what I am seeking of God today:
"Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:25&26
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
My hope is in Christ and my strength is from God...I am weak, but trust He is strong for me.
Today was our due date. I trust in the Lord with all my heart (please Lord, help me trust) and I want to lean on His understanding...because I do not understand. My hope does not fail, even though my heart is failing. God is my strength...please God, be my strength.
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